We first met in a forest and it was as unexpected as one could possibly imagine. I had been there to see wether I could find a speaking animal or a walking tree or an elf. Then I heard a female voice warning me in a language I couldn’t understand. It was an actual dryad and she pointed her stunning javelin at me with a threatening posture.
That was it. I had the opportunity I hoped for my entire life. I was seeing an actual tree nymph. Something that John Milton, Homer, and Blizzard Entertainment Company could only dream about. All I had to do was to say something nice and make a good impression. Then I could just walk home and be proud of myself for the rest of my life thinking about what I achieved today: the respect of a dryad.
She muttered something in that incomprehensible, probably elvish language and then put her javelin down and rhetorically asked me in fluent middle eastern “you’re a Calorman aren’t you”
“Typical” I said to myself “Now she probably thinks I’m a hookah smoker who read Franz Fanon books and make enslaved elves do all my chores”
“Well I am… technically… a Calormen… but I’m actually a paratrooper from the French Foreign Legion.”
“No you’re not you dum dum. You’re a hunchback. And too skinny.”
“So much for the best experience of my life!” I said to myself. I could have made my best memory. A memory I could recall every single day for the rest of my life (and eventually change the whole details by doing so). Instead I embarrassed myself. I wished I could run away and stop making an even worse picture of myself in her mind. But then things developed quite differently. Far better than what I could ever wish for.
“Well, you’re too shy and apologetic so you must be bullied when you were in kindergarten. Therefore, you are probably planning to go to a Canadian Law school so you can turn out to be a corporate lawyer working for Royal Dutch Shell. I like that! What’s your name? Mine is Gazelle”
It took my breath away. How could she be so smart and kind at the same time?
We actually spent lots of time together. I took my socks off and we swam in a lake nearby. Then we took a bus and went to a pub and drank apricot beer in a weizen glass which looked like a vase.
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